Four pieces of Esther Perel’s incisive wisdom that keep marriages alive
Debbie Gutfreund
Esther Perel has been a couples therapist for over 40 years and has written extensively on desire and fidelity. One idea runs through all of it, “Love is a verb, not a permanent state of enthusiasm.” To protect and sustain your marriage, you need to nurture it every day.
Here are four ways to do that, drawn from Perel’s teachings.
- Protect the Space Between You.
Perel teaches that in every relationship there are two individuals, but also a third entity, the relationship itself. She encourages couples to make decisions together that prioritize the health of the relationship over their individual preferences. Protect that space by being careful not to criticize your spouse in public and by keeping intimate details about your relationship private. “Don’t just protect yourself, protect the ‘us.’” - Maintain Autonomy and Mystery.
One danger for couples who have been happily married a long time is that they stop preserving their individual autonomy. Perel cautions partners to maintain their own identity and interests. Over-merging can sometimes damage a relationship just as much as too much distance. Desire requires space, and when a couple becomes too fused, attraction can fade.
Leave room for mystery by cultivating a rich inner life that does not require your spouse’s constant involvement. “Fire needs air. Too much closeness can extinguish desire.” - Stay Curious About Your Partner.
The person you married is not the same person you are married to today. Perel encourages spouses to stay curious about each other and to recognize that both of you are constantly evolving.
Try to see your partner with fresh eyes by asking different questions and avoiding mind-reading. Use open-ended prompts like “Help me understand what was happening for you in that situation.” Or go deeper, “When do you feel most like yourself? What makes you feel free?”
The answers might surprise you. “Assumptions are relationship killers.” Ask before you assume you know how your partner feels. - Talk About Difficult Things Early.
After decades as a couples therapist, Perel found that one of the best ways to maintain a good marriage is to address difficult issues as soon as they arise. Do not avoid hard topics just because they are uncomfortable. This is especially true when resentment or hurt has crept in. Address it before it festers and creates more distance.
Perel believes that behind every criticism is a longing. What have you been wanting that you have not said? “It’s not the fight that destroys couples, it’s the silence. Resentment thrives in avoidance.” Own your part in the conflict, avoid scorekeeping, and steer clear of emotional disengagement.
Jewish wisdom teaches that love changes both us and the world around us. As Rabbi Jonathan Sacks wrote, “Love transforms us. It makes us beautiful in the eyes of those who love us. It makes us real.”
Perel encourages spouses to allow themselves to transform and be transformed through the different stages of a continuously evolving marriage. Through that growth, marriage can make you feel safe and free at the same time. “When we seek love, we look for safety. When we seek desire, we look for freedom. Strong marriages learn to hold both.” q
