Although its customs have vanished in the winds of our history, it remains a day of supreme happiness. No other day in the calendar, aside from Yom Kippur, can compare to its celebration of love, openness to change and extraordinary auspiciousness. But, most of all, it is a day that ought to vibrate the core of our lives and our loves.
The Mishnaic Sages reveal that “there were no holidays so joyous for the Jewish People as the fifteenth of Av—for on that day, the daughters of Jerusalem would go out to the streets in borrowed white clothing (so that they would all look the same)—and every unmarried man would go and find his wife among these women.”
This nugget of history is indeed fascinating. But it also begs a question: Would the thrill of these exuberant moments suffice to create an everlasting marriage? Did these innocent rendezvous have the power to continuously sustain a harmonious life of love and commitment?
Back then, in the Land of Israel, when a man married a woman, people would ask the groom: matza (he has found), or motze (he finds)? The term matza was used to express the groom’s contentment with his marriage, while motze was an expression of dissatisfaction. This question was not merely an inquiry about the nature of one’s wife; it also served as brilliant advice to newlyweds.
Upon careful grammatical notice, the word matza, which represents goodness and contentment, is in the past tense. Conversely, the word motze is in the present tense. For if we wish to be content with our marriage, our search for our other half must come to a complete end when we eventually find our spouse. If not, our marriage is doomed to bitterness and failure.
This enlightening message is especially relevant in our day and age. Oftentimes, unfortunately, our search is not entirely halted. We continue to glance at the opposite sexes to, consciously or subconsciously, compare them to our own spouse. “I wish my spouse could be like him or her,” we fantasize. “If only my spouse were smarter, richer, stronger, prettier…” Subsequently, we want our spouse to be what he or she is not more than we want them to be who they are. Our search for a perfect spouse thereby continues in the present, even when it should have been buried on that sacred day of our marriage! And we forget that true joy can sprout from our marriage only when this search ends, as the fifteenth of Av demonstrates.
Today’s statistics are not very kind on marriage. According to widely published research, about one in four American adults are divorced, and more than one million children each year experience the breakup of their families. For this to be reversed, we must draw a lesson from the people of Israel during the Talmudic era. They understood that the secret to an everlasting marriage lies not in the way we ignite our first spark of love with our spouse-to-be, but in the way we maintain it and preserve the sanctity of marriage.
True love can seldom be menaced. When a married couple loves unconditionally, they can generally find the strength and power to weather most storms. According to many, even infidelity can be overcome.
It is high time our plagued society internalizes this vital lesson. The marriage unit must be accepted by all as an irreversible existence. Our marriages will then undoubtedly bring about renewed love and constancy. And just like the innocent and pure daughters and sons of Israel, our inner joy will then gush out and know no bounds, to eternity.
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Rabbi Pinchas Allouche is the spiritual leader of the Sephardic Cultural Center in Scottsdale, AZ.
