Relationship Theory, Connecting with Your Teenager

Life is full of stories about teenagers having difficulty making it through adolescence. However, parenting teens—even teens who are at risk— doesn’t have to be such a daunting task when parents are willing to focus more on the relationship and less on getting immediate results. Building the relationship is the key to reaching teens who are at risk.

I understand why most parents feel confused about how to deal with a teenager who veers “off the path.” It often comes as a shock when it’s your child who is swept into a counter culture that seems to affect more of our teenagers every day. The “at-risk” phenomenon seems to be everywhere. Today’s most common at-risk behaviors include substance abuse (cigarettes, drugs, alcohol), violence, sexual activity, and rebelling against religious traditions.

Although the exact number of Jewish teens at risk is unknown, some estimate that the trend touches about one in four religious families. I believe that the numbers are even greater. The problem likely digs much further into Jewish society than most rabbis, educators, and parents would like to admit.

But what or who is to blame for the at-risk phenomenon? Some suggest that the problem originates in our schools; others maintain that dysfunctional homes are the cause of risky behavior because kids miss out on key emotional ingredients such as parental stability.

Conventional wisdom points to the rapidly deteriorating standards in Western media. Today’s television shows, movies, and Internet sites are filled with inappropriate and self-destructive images that are having a negative impact on teenagers and are fueling the at-risk crisis.

The theories go on and on, but the problem in our communities and homes continues unabated. David, age 16, for example, was a client I saw over a six-month period. Like most of my clients, David came from a traditional Orthodox home and attended a yeshivah in the New York City area. School was always an emotional battleground for David, his teachers, and his parents.

According to his parents, in 4th grade David started having trouble sitting still in class. He would speak out of turn, disrupt the class, and act in inappropriate ways. He didn’t like Chumash and his mind would constantly wander. Instead of focusing on schoolwork, he would daydream. Finding it difficult to concentrate in class was only the beginning of his problems. In 5th grade, he started getting into fights with his classmates and often received detention for bad behavior. Overall, David was an unhappy and slightly withdrawn child who was about to enter a five-year roller coaster ride with his parents, principals and teachers.

Since David was doing poorly in school, his parents decided to send him to a school that specialized in working with teens in crisis. Although his behavior seemed to get better for a few months, most of David’s previous problems remained. He still couldn’t sit still in class, he didn’t like his new classmates, and began to act out.

After two years, David was still unhappy and acting inappropriately. In fact, the situation got so bad that his principal asked him to leave.

At the same time, the situation at home had become a living nightmare for his parents. The boy they had raised to be a well-behaved shomer Shabbat mensch had turned into a loud, unappreciative, and angry teenager. David was in trouble, and his parents were unable to deal with his emotional distress or figure out what to do next.

They consulted with friends and family, as well as with rabbis in the community, hoping they would have some insight into the problem. The most common piece of advice his parents received was to send David away or put him in a remedial program. However, they weren’t sure what they wanted to do and the tension in the house had become unbearable.

David needed help and his parents needed answers. Most importantly, David’s parents needed to know that some glimmer of hope existed—a light at the end of the tunnel that would change their son’s life.

Desperate and impatient for a solution, they asked me what the “pill” was for at risk behavior. I suggested to them that the “pill,” in most cases, is for parents to start focusing on their relationship with their teenagers. I call this novel, yet remarkably simple, idea Relationship Theory. This places priority on the power and impact that a good relationship can have upon children, both young and adolescent, alike.

According to Relationship Theory, the greater the relationship, the greater the ability parents have to connect with their teenager. Another way of stating this is: I = QR, where the impact (I) a parent can have is directly proportional to the quality of the relationship (QR) that a parent develops with the teenager.

After all, what better present can parents give their children than themselves? Nothing can beat the pleasure of a true and loving human relationship, a factor that is often overlooked in the increasingly complex and pressurized world in which we live.

The findings of various studies on parent-teen relationships have supported the concept of Relationship Theory. The research showed that positive and warm parent-child relationships were associated with more positive childhood and youth outcomes. Conversely, relationships that were less positive and warm were linked to less desirable childhood and youth outcomes. This pattern persisted across diverse populations, regions, and even countries. The research brief revealed that:

• Children and teens who have positive relationships with their parents tend to have better academic outcomes.
• Good relations between parents and adolescents lessen the likelihood that teens will exhibit problem behaviors. High-quality parent-adolescent relationships have been linked repeatedly to mental, social, and emotional well-being in adolescents and youth.
• Better quality adult child-parent relationships have been associated with lower levels of psychological distress among both adult children and parents.
• Close relationships with parents during childhood and adolescence have been positively associated with adult children’s self-esteem, happiness, and life satisfaction.
• Positive mental and physical health in adulthood is positively associated with recollections of early parental support.
Building the relationship is often one of the most overlooked aspects of parenting teenagers; yet clearly, as the evidence suggests, the relationship is the key to managing a teenager’s at-risk behavior and restoring confidence in the family unit.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, and helping teens in crisis. He has offices in Flatbush and Crown Heights.