When scientists study the universe, they agree that if one member of a constellation changes in any form, the result on the others may be profound. In the realm of human relationships, this is also true; namely, that couples, families, communities, etc. interact on a myriad of different levels, and a change in one member affects the entire unit.
Let’s examine a couple. The depth or length of their relationship is not the focus, but the fact that they do indeed have a relationship. It may be either toxic or healthy or vary. When a couple seeks marital counseling, they don’t always agree about what they are seeking to accomplish. This is invariably true when both partners come in to counseling.
What if only the husband or wife comes in and his/her partner is reluctant? Can therapy be effective without both members coming in?
Many couples therapists and marital counselors will not commence a session without both being present. Yet if one truly understands human dynamics, especially those of a unit, it is not consequential if both are present or not. The idea is that a change in one will inevitably affect the other.
Consider a couple swept up in a tsunami of fighting: both may give as good as they get, one may always be the victim; one or both may refuse to yield; one or both may acquiesce to yield; one is clear headed while the other flies off the handle; one or both may shut down; one or both may give the silent treatment; one or both may be harshly critical; one or both may be overly rational and cerebral or deeply emotional, etc.
A skilled psychotherapist will understand that human behavior follows a distinct pattern. The template for one’s behavior is shaped in the formative years and reintroduced in a couple’s relationship. The very choice of a mate is unconsciously selected to perpetuate that pattern.
Fledgling marital therapists will focus on the couple’s fighting and attempt to introduce a modicum of temperance and peacemaking. Sometimes the relationship will totally collapse after this intervention and the couple will divorce. The bitter fighting, albeit a source of complaint, was a familiar pattern and served to keep the relationship intact. It is the absolute sensitivity of the psychotherapist to the fine nuances of the unit that will foster remedy.
This is the case when either husband or wife comes in alone to therapy. When one part of the equation is changed, the other part of the equation changes. Naturally, this is done extremely carefully. Another factor is that the absent partner realizes that his/her actions are now being reported, so their behavior sometimes improves because of that. The other partner may decide to come in to set the record straight, to provide the therapist with his/her version of the truth, or due to plain paranoia. Some spouses are negatively suggestible and the more they feel their spouse wants them to come in the more they will resist. Others may need encouragement or motivation of different types.
Nevertheless, it is true that a couple is a unit as in two=one, and one=two when one member represents the couple in therapy. This approach is significant in family situations, wherein any modification of behavior by one member can have a beneficial and very therapeutic effect on all members. This is critical to accept, because more often than not, the guilty troubled member refuses to come in, therefore, it must be understood that all is not lost or hopeless for a couple or family. Where there is counseling there is hope.
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Dr. Ari Korenblit is a licensed psychotherapist and marriage counselor working with children, adolescents, singles and couples with offices in Brooklyn and Manhattan.
