It was eye-opening reading a man’s point of view about how it feels to get married later in life, in last month’s IMAGE article “Change of Heart.” It prompted me to write about how it felt for me, as a woman, to get married later in life as well. We stand to learn so much from hearing other people’s tales, and the lessons they’ve learned. The irony is all along I thought that women suffered more than men, and that men had it so much easier!
When my friends and I were 16, my best friend got engaged. At 16, we went from first dates, to boyfriends, to engagements. By the time graduation came around, seven girls had gotten married! It was amazing! I didn’t see that for myself, because I honestly didn’t feel mature enough for marriage—but I had time.
At 19, the dates I was going on were not exactly what I thought they would be. The guys weren’t the coolest or best looking, but they were nice. Then, I met a really great guy, and we started dating. He took me to a lot of fun places. We went out for dinners and on double dates.
We were having a great time, so I was surprised when my mother said, “He’s not really right for you.” I think she thought he wasn’t from a family that she wanted for me. I thought he was a good guy and his parents seemed nice, but she didn’t approve and he could feel it. After 6 months we broke up. I was still sure the right guy would come along.
So, I continued to date. That summer was all about parties, the Casino, and getting dressed up. It was also about regrouping. Since my closest friends had gotten married, I needed to find another group to hang out with, and so I did. With a smile on my face and a great attitude, I returned to the social scene—but sometimes it was exhausting!
All I could remember was my family—cousins, aunts, and uncles—always asking, “are you dating?” How are the Center trips and the Casino?” “Did you meet anyone?” It was too much. I wanted to tell them I was dating someone, just to get them off my back. When I did say I was seeing someone, they’d want to know if it was serious, so I started to date guys longer than I really wanted to, just because I didn’t want to be alone, and I didn’t want to answer all the questions my relatives and friends asked.
When I was 20, a guy friend of mine told me that when a girl matures—when she’s around 26—she looks her best. This gave me a whole new perspective. I started looking forward to getting older, instead of worrying about it. It turns out, he was right! When I turned 26, the guys who were interested in me were the best guys from the best families. So, I dated a lot and had quite a few boyfriends, but what’s the point, if I didn’t want to marry any of them? Slowly, I got older. When I turned 32, I was still single.
What in the world happened? How did I slip through the cracks, I wondered. I was pretty, smart, and from a nice family. Why was I going to the birthday parties and bar mitzvahs of my friends’ kids?
The year I met my husband, I was 36. Ten people—literally—not exaggerating—suggested that I go out with him. They all told him that he should go out with me, as well. We weren’t interested, because we had gone on a date when I was 23, and it was not a good one. Luckily, Hashem had other plans.
One Saturday night, he came over to talk to me at a party. I actually walked away, to go back to my friends, but he watched me walk away, clearly he wanted to talk to me, so I went back to talk to him. We liked each other, dated for two months, then got engaged. No one could believe, how in the blink of an eye, it just happened. No issues, no stories, it just worked. I wish it would be that quick and easy for all singles. I spent all those years going to parties to meet people. Would you believe he never went to any parties, except for the one where we met.
The bottom line is this—there’s a feeling a girl gets as she ages— it’s the fear of missing the boat, of her biological clock ticking. She starts to wonder if there are any good guys left and if she should freeze her eggs. She wonders, why me? Any guy would be lucky to get me.
I know so many of you, out there, have similar feelings. I wish everyone finds the happiness that I have found. But id like to zero in on a specific point—I didn’t settle, but I became more open minded. When we met, my husband and I were on different religious levels. Perhaps when I was younger, that would have been a deal breaker. Being older, I was able to see that he’s a great man and we’re wonderful together. Religious levels didn’t matter at that point. Be open minded.
You never know where you’ll meet him or who he is, so try to remain positive. I know first hand how hard that is. However, your chances of meeting someone when you are down on yourself are very slim. I focused on who I was, and what I had to offer. I believed in myself, completely.
There were times I wondered if I missed something. I went to classes and received blessings from rabbis. Finally, I decided to put my fate in G-d’s hands. I believed wholeheartedly that there was no one else I could depend on—not my parents, my friends, or a matchmaker. I prayed often and with all my heart. I’m not quite sure if there’s a formula for meeting the right person and getting married, but I do know that somewhere along the line I broke the wall that stood between me and getting married.
Prayer is not something public. It’s a connection you have and a belief. It helps to know that every prayer is heard and answered. We just have to believe in it. You need to believe in something, why not believe that if you pray, and ask G-d to bring you the right man, it will happen?
