We dream of finding the perfect spouse, go out on too many dates to try and find him/her and when we do, we fall head over heals in love. We get engaged, then we get married, then somewhere down the line, we get bored. Boredom has become the greatest threat to couples staying together. Infidelity, which formerly topped the list of reasons for marriages breaking up, has been surpassed by couples saying they’re no longer in love and have “grown apart”.
This is depressing beyond words. Can we really have reached the stage where a commitment to love and to cherish until death do us part has come down to so casual and seemingly frivolous a reason for walking out on the union, and quite possibly children, too? Have the past money-obsessed, self-indulgent decades really created such narcissism that we will not put up with a relationship that doesn’t give us perpetual bliss?
No one seems to be paying attention to Leo Tolstoy’s wise words: “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with that incompatibility.”
Sadly, research says that people come together and stay together only when this is to their individual advantage.
Life does tend to get in the way of happy marriages. Couples are tired after they have kids. Some are perpetually worried about paying the bills and if they don’t discuss these problems, they can lead to more stress, thinking your spouse doesn’t understand what you’re going through.
A happy marriage rarely happens on its own. It takes work and it’s worth it. Here are some tips that might just make your good marriage great:
Spend Time Together
This seems obvious, but sometimes there just aren’t enough hours in the day to work, feed, bathe and put the kids to bed then sit down and cherish your spouse. However, even 10 minutes a day of uninterrupted time to touch base builds connection. Setting aside time to be together is important. The key is being present and focusing only on the person in front of you, to the exclusion of all other distractions. This builds connection and closeness.
Listen and Support Each Other
When you were dating you couldn’t wait to hear about his/her day. You could talk for hours about anything. So, shy is it difficult to actively listen to each other now and express support for your spouse’s day-today life issues. Pay attention, no matter how small or mundane.
Express Gratitude
Remember to say “thank you” for the little things you often take for granted. Even though you expect your spouse to take out the garbage, cook dinner, and pick up the dry cleaning, it is important to express your appreciation as often as possible. If you would do it for a stranger, why not for your spouse? Expressing gratitude increases positive feelings and strengthens relationships. Everyone wants to feel appreciated.
Be Kind To Each Other
Express compassion and understanding. Learn to listen to your spouse’s pain, validate it and help her stay strong. This is a special kindness that helps your spouse feel that she is not alone. Show your concern by doing the little things that your spouse will appreciate. Go beyond the call of duty and help your spouse without letting her know. Do the things that only you will know are meaningful and appreciated by your spouse.
Respond To Your Spouse
Never ignore even seemingly trivial conversation with your spouse. Giving each other the gift of attention shows that your partner is important to you.
Be Influenced
Don’t be afraid to listen to your spouse and change your ideas or opinions on issues big and small. Insisting on your way may feel right at the moment, but that is not healthy for a marriage. Be open to what is important to your spouse. Being right has little value in marriage; making your spouse happy is what counts.
Argue Respectfully
Conflict is expected in relationships, not a sign of trouble. How you argue is the key. You don’t have to yell to be heard. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling destroy marriages. Address the issue, don’t attack the person. Don’t overreact if your spouse is upset; he is probably looking for support, not a fight. If you find yourself being contemptuous of your spouse, it’s time to recall all the positive things about your relationship. If you’re too upset to talk about it at that moment, make a time to continue the conversation; don’t just walk away. Arguing is better than no communication.
Make Up
Practice and learn how to fix things during and after a fight. “Love is never being afraid to say I’m sorry.” Using humor, changing the subject and avoiding sensitive issues are all expressions of your concern about the relationship and making sure arguments don’t damage it. Remember, kindness counts.
Create Rituals
Create times that are touchstones of your relationship to help keep it healthywhether it’s bike riding Sunday mornings or going out for coffee and dessert every Thursday night. Couples connect to each other by sharing purposeful activities together.
Shared Meaning
Doing meaningful things together makes your relationship more special. You and your spouse should get involved in a hesed activity that you both are passionate about. Volunteer to work with developmentally disabled youth or visit the local nursing home. Be adventurous. You’ll both benefit from the experience, and your relationship will blossom.
