Professor Danny Brom
Families, during and after emergency situations such as Superstorm Sandy and now in the face of the Newtown shooting, are going through different phases of turmoil. On the basis of our experience in Israel with war and terrorism (seetraumaweb.org), we can point to some issues that can help parents take care of their children.
People usually function in quite effective ways to survive danger. This is due to our “survival” mode that is built-in our nervous system. Survival mode changes the way our brain and nervous system work and helps us function in quite effective ways to avert danger or cope with danger with minimal damage.
Emotions are often put aside in order to do whatever is necessary. Thinking is often very sharp and focused in the service of surviving. Once we have survived, and we and our children are out of the danger, the phase of “processing” starts. Now the emotions come up, often with full force and this can be quite surprising and upsetting both for adults and for children. Suddenly we are fearful and “suspicious,” sounds make us jump and give us the feeling that “it is happening again.”
The natural process of coping with the feelings and memories is the oscillation between upsetting emotions and memories that come up and the need to calm down and regain emotional balance. The motion between memories and self-soothing is a natural one and if we trust our body and mind to be able to cope with it, in most cases it will.
It’s important to help our children get though the tragedy. What we can do for them depends on age. Drawing upon many years of experience with children growing up in the southern part of Israel under rocket attacks, we know that the major factor for babies and toddlers is how their parents cope with the situation. If parents can calm themselves down, they will also be able to calm their children down.
Saying “I need to calm down” is not enough. You have to pay attention to what is happening to your body. Feel whether your heart races and your breathing becomes quicker and more superficial when there is a reminder of what happened. Sense your body getting uptight when you hear a sound that makes you feel like something is wrong again. When you’re aware of these things, you will also notice that the tension will subside. It is a way that your brain makes sure that the experience is really over and that it is ok to calm down. The same is true for children. Small children need your help to go through this process, because they don’t know how to sooth themselves. So, when your toddler gets frightened again, when he/she hears the wind blowing or the crack of a tree, there is nothing better than a hug and the acknowledgement that something frightened him/her and that now we can relax together.
Older children are very sensitive to their environment, and pick up what is going on, whether we speak to them about it directly or not. If we proactively choose to speak with our children, then we validate their feeling that “something meaningful” has happened. Having said that, it is important to take into account a child’s developmental stage when deciding how much to share with him or her. Young children are very sensitive to their parents and to other important adults in their environment.
The older the child gets the more important it is to relate to what has happened and give your perspective. From our experience in strengthening the resilience in children we emphasize the following:
1. Children need their resilient parents and teachers and only a small minority will need mental health professionals
2. Self-regulation and self-soothing is a central element of coping with major stress and parents and educators can teach and remind children to use their skills and use resources such as imagery and good memories to bring down tension and create pleasant feelings.
3. Talk about what has happened. Don’t go with the widespread tendency to avoid the topic “in order not to upset the children.” Asking children what they know, what they have heard, what they think about it and what they feel about it, gives the message that it is ok to speak about it. In addition, it is important to discuss the meaning of what has happened. Why did it happen? How do we know that it will not happen again?
Parents and teachers are the role models for children. Children learn how to deal with stress and trauma by observing and by receiving appropriate support. In times of disaster they need what most human beings want when they need to calm down and be consoled: a safe and holding hug.
There is more information for parents and teachers at.traumaweb.org.
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Professor Danny Brom is director of the Israel Center for the Treatment of Psychotrauma, at Herzog Hospital.
