Parents often ask me why their children are so different from each other. They say that it almost seems like they were raised in different homes, with different parents, and unrelated DNA. One is so serious and the other is a joker. One is very reliable and conscientious, while the other is laid back.
I tell them to try this experiment. Take four seeds and place them in planters. Put them on your windowsill in direct sunlight. Water them daily, give each one the exact same amount of water, care and nutrients. Then, sit back and watch them grow. Each seed will turn into its own unique plant. One will have lots of branches, one may not thrive at all and others will have pretty flowers and leaves just like our children.
There has been much research done on birth order and behavior. Birth order is defined as a persons place, by age, in a family. The Austrian psychiatrist, Alfred Adler was one of he first to imply that birth order influences personality. Think of your own siblings and then observe your children. First born children, middle children and youngest often share common traits.
Those who were born first are like an experiment, much of which is based on trial and error. In the family hierarchy, they are the kings only to be dethroned when the second child is born. First born children are used to being the center of attention, since theyve had their parents all to themselves for a period of time. They feel superior, and entitled. They are reliable and conscientious, controlling and over-achievers. Yet, they are in a difficult position. They share the burden of exceedingly high parental expectations. Many first born kids complain that their parents were much stricter with them, than with their younger siblings.
Second born children, who turn into middle children, have never had their parents to themselves. Theres always that older kid whos better at everything, and has more privileges. Their personalities are usually the opposite of their older siblings. They need to find their own identity, since they are sandwiched in between their older and younger siblings. They often look to the world outside of their family, since in the family they have no significant status. They usually develop a large circle of friends and may even turn into people-pleasers. They often view life as unfair and they may turn into the problem child.
The last born, the baby, has it the easiest. By the time they are born, all those rules that were strictly enforced with the first born are relaxed and expectations are lowered. Parents are usually worn out by then and have a more laid back attitude.
Youngest children are said to be spoiled. They want things immediately and rarely have consequences. They are usually social, fun-loving, uncomplicated but can be temperamental, self-centered and irresponsible.
Do you see yourself, your siblings or your children fitting into these descriptions? How does this actually impact our adult behavior? I welcome your responses. You can e-mail your thoughts to reenchy@optonline.net.
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Rena Laniado is a licensed psycho-therapist in private practice.
