The question I hear most often from friends and family is one that was never asked of me until recently. That question is: “How’s married life?”
It’s a simple question, but it is loaded with curiosity and wonder, because they never thought I would be in a position to answer it!
However, I can and I will. There are two cautionary sayings that reflect my life until now. They are, “Man plans as Hashem laughs,” and “Never say never.”
I enjoyed a bachelor’s life well into my forties not by design, but by a strengthening independence I created. An independence where the years progressed into decades. My initial intention upon completing my education was to be married by 26 years of age, but as I was developing my career, my focus centered on professional as well as financial success. My thoughts at the time were that a happy marriage could not exist, if my foundation to provide for a wife and family were still in the building stages. My sights were of myself and not beyond. My financial fears governed my social life, and the subsequent lack of commitment to anyone or anything outside of my career was the unfortunate by-product. By lacking faith in my ability to adequately provide financially, I found myself searching for a match I knew did not exist.
I missed out on, and overlooked, many great women whom I never gave a chance, as my assumptions and limiting beliefs governed my emotions. My criteria were unrealistic, and every excuse I could find would be a reason to stop dating. I broadened my horizons, yet the same obstacles I put up were keeping me from maintaining a relationship past a few dates, and it became a habit well into my fifties.
All the while, my siblings, my friends and even my younger cousins were getting married and raising families. Another generation was passing me by. I wrote earlier that I enjoyed a bachelor’s life and in truth I did—not because it is what I wanted, but because I refused to be unhappy.
I have been blessed with a close family, amazing friends and a fulfilling career. I have a lifetime of travel and learning experiences that I truly cherish, and would never trade. Ironically, the greatest lesson I learned is that even with all that, I was alone. Surrounded by my family and friends, I was alone. My family was growing, but not due to me. My friends were planning weddings and bar-mitzvahs for their children, and my contemporaries are now becoming grandparents!
The life I was planning to have was being fulfilled by everyone around me. I realize now, that I wasn’t looking for a partner, I was looking for my own perfection. I was blinded by my own reflection, rather than looking into the soul of a good woman whose life I could have shared. I perceived the encouragement I received from family and friends as pressure. When they wanted to fix me up, I was flattered but my first instinct was to turn the introduction down. I used the line: “I know her already.” Rather than see my friendly relationship with her as a built-in ice breaker to start a conversation, I did the opposite. I was set in my ways and set in my outlook. I gave up, threw in the towel, closed the book, and convinced myself that remaining single was what I always wanted. How else could I explain to myself why I wasn’t even in a meaningful relationship? Time marched on, as time does.
As I prayed each morning with my tefilin, after praying for my family, my personal prayer started to change from merely being happy, to having Hashem be my partner in opening me up. I’d pray to let the walls down and to come out from hiding. I prayed to recognize beauty and values that were beneath the skin. It was at this time, when I received the sign and feeling that everything needed to change and was going to change.
I started noticing that I was the only single person in the room. I began to feel the solitude and isolation I created. I declared that this was the final straw. My mind was suddenly in a different place, and I was open to whatever happened resulting from the walls coming down.
Once this shift occurred, the opportunities started to reveal themselves, and I was not going to pass them up this time. I was not going to use the old excuses or lines everyone was tired of. Another major lesson I learned is that the compromises one makes to stay single are so much less valuable and meaningful than the compromises one makes in partnership with a loving spouse.
Thankfully, I became successful but who knows how much more valuable life would have been had I been in partnership rather than a solo flyer? I made a life defining assumption that a woman was not going to start out with me as I was building a career. It was safer from a financial point of view, but not from an emotional one. The women of our community are assets and not liabilities. They are our partners.
Our wedding was a blessed celebration of love, of friendship, of family and the miracle of faith. I only pray you learn from my story sooner than later—and to make that point even clearer—I will use a quote from one of our favorite movies, When Harry met Sally (and I am paraphrasing) “When you realize you want to spend the rest of life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
You can plan all you want, just plan on opening your heart and mind to who may be right in front of you.
So, to answer the question: “How’s married life?” I respond, Truly a blessing, and an answer to my prayer. I wish I could have been able to answer that 20 years ago.
