BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF

RABBI SHAY TAHAN

THERE WAS A PERSON SEARCHING FOR A NEW PLACE TO LIVE. WHEN HE ARRIVED IN THE NEW TOWN, HE FOUND A LOCAL WISE MAN AND INQUIRED ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN THE PLACE. HE WANTED TO KNOW IF THE PEOPLE THERE WERE FRIENDLY AND NICE. THE LOCAL ASKED HIM ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN HIS OLD PLACE—WHERE HE HAD JUST COME FROM.

He replied that those people were mean, nasty, and rude, which was precisely the reason he was looking to relocate. The wise man told him that the people in this town were just the same.

Disappointed, he was about to leave as another person approached the local wise man asking the same question. The wise man inquired of the place he came from, to which the man replied that the people in his old town were very nice and kind. The wise man replied, “The people here are the same, they are also nice and kind.” As the first person was listening, he was understandably surprised to hear such conflicting answers. The wise man explained to him: the way you feel towards others in one place, is the way you’ll feel towards others in every place. Moreover, the reason for that is this is the way you feel about yourself. The way you see yourself dictates the way you feel about others. If you feel good about yourself, all those surrounding you will appear nice and good; but if you feel negatively about yourself, everyone around you will appear bad and rude.

Our Sages tell us that on Rosh Hashana there are two obligations: one obligation is to prepare for the judgment taking place on that very day, and the second is to reaffirm your bond and relationship with Hashem. Although we are familiar with how to prepare for the judgment—through prayer and blowing the shofar—many of us unfortunately lack understanding of how we are to connect with Hashem.

What type of relationship is required of us?
It is crucial to understand that to build a relationship with anyone (and even more so with the Creator), we first must strengthen our relationship with ourselves. This means that one must learn about himself, get to know himself, see his weaknesses and strengths, and learn to feel good about himself despite his faults. No, it’s not narcissism nor selfishness to love and feel good about oneself. One who doesn’t feel good about himself can’t feel good about others, and one who doesn’t love himself can’t love others. The Pasuk commands us to “love others as you love yourself.” It states clearly that one must love himself. (If one can’t love himself, why would the Pasuk command him to love the other in the same manner as he loves himself?)

Moreover, if one feels negatively about himself, he will inevitably feel the same way towards his surroundings as well. We found this concept many times in the Torah and in the Gemara. For example, when Moshe rebukes the nation before he dies, he reminds them of what they said about Hashem, stating that Hashem hates them (Devarim 1,26). Rashi explains that the truth is that Hashem loves the nation; but since they felt negative towards Hashem, they thus felt that Hashem felt the same way about them. The explanation, once again, is that if one can’t love another, he’ll feel that the other doesn’t love him.

Our Sages said it in a short and powerful way: one who finds a blemish in the other, should look for that blemish in himself. The meaning of this is obvious: although many people around us have blemishes, we only pay attention to those that we have ourselves, because they remind us of our own faults. This feeling is very bothersome to us, and we will thus be very attuned to seeing it in others.

On this Rosh Hashanah, we should take the opportunity to connect with Hashem, by first connecting with ourselves; doing so will also allow us to be better fathers and mothers to our children and better friends to those around us.

Shana Tova.

Rabbi Shay Tahan is the Rosh Kollel of the Kollel Avrechim Shaarei Ezra which is located at the Sit-Benei Yosef Shul on Avenue P. He is also the head of the Bet Horaha Arzei Halevanon.