The Jewish coming-of-age ceremony in which a child becomes a Bar/Bat Mitzvah and enters the world of adulthood is usually celebrated by the child’s family and friends, who offer guidance and support through that important transition. But for the Legacy children who have suffered the loss of family members killed while serving their country as IDF soldiers, this celebration is a bittersweet occasion, marked with the painful reminder of a constant void.
As part of the FIDF Legacy Bar/Bat Mitzvah program, which was created to help them celebrate in a unique and unforgettable way, 53 boys and girls from all over Israel traveled to the United States to enjoy 10 days of fun in both California and the New York Tri-State area. Thanks to the generous contributions of FIDF supporters in the different chapters, including many American Bar and Bat Mitzvah children who chose to donate their gifts to the Legacy program, this trip became possible.
This year’s Legacy Program in New York took place at the end of the summer. During their first weekend in the US, the teens were graciously hosted by various families from the Sephardic community of Deal, NJ. They spent Shabbat having an intimate dinner with their host families. Some children attended the community synagogue and were welcomed by Rabbi Shamah to participate in prayer services and were called to the Torah. The festivities continued all weekend with swimming, arts and crafts, a special on-site exotic petting zoo demonstration and a performance by a magician.
On Sunday morning, they proceeded to Camp Ramah in the Berkshires where they enjoyed a week of camp activities. The children concluded their trip in New York City, spending the day with Friends of the IDF staff as well as with various Sephardic community members, enjoying a whirlwind tour of Manhattan, beginning with a boat ride on the Hudson river and Madam Tussauds Museum of Wax, followed by arcade games at ESPN Zone, and a farewell dinner hosted at the Safra Synagogue of New York.
It was an exciting, different environment for them, full of new scenes, surprises, wonderful activities, and people who surrounded them with love. In addition to the other kids in the group, the Legacy children could also turn to the camp counselors, who themselves suffered the loss of a loved one killed in action, and participated in previous Legacy trips when they were younger. As grown-ups who have experienced years of mourning, they were able to provide the nurturing environment the children needed.
Dealing both with their personal sorrow as well as the collective grief of their family, these children often grow up too fast, undertake immense responsibilities, and must learn how to be strong for their families. Therefore, more than anything else, they candidly say, they enjoyed being able to talk about what they were going through, cry, and release some of their pain, because they were among friends who truly understand.
“You know you are not alone,” says Gal, who celebrated his Bar Mitzvah in April. “Thanks to the program, you get to know other kids who are in the same situation. We are all in the same boat and we all know what bereavement is and mourning.” Gal’s father, Yaron, was killed during the Second Lebanon War in the summer of 2006 after volunteering to enter the battlefield instead of a younger, less-experienced soldier. He was a medic in a Paratroopers battalion and, at the age of 45, the oldest soldier to be killed in that war. “He did not have to volunteer,” explains Gal, “but he always did. That’s how he was. He used to say that ‘this is our country’ and that we need people to protect it.”
A great celebration was planned for Gal’s Bar Mitzvah, but after Yaron was killed, everything changed. Gal and his father always wanted to have the ceremony at the historical site of Masada. “We used to travel a lot together,” he says, “so we wanted to have it in Masada. My mom was supposed to be in charge of all the arrangements, and I was supposed to be with my dad. We also planned to hike along the Israel Path together.” Gal eventually had his Bar Mitzvah in his hometown, but with no proud father standing by the rabbi as he was called up to the Torah.
“We visited an army base two days before he went into Lebanon,” Gal quietly reveals, “but we did not know that. My mom kept the fact he was going into Lebanon a secret.” The news of his father’s death arrived late at night and turned Gal’s life upside-down. “My mom woke me up and my aunt was also there. My mom told us that ‘dad was killed in Southern Lebanon. We must go on with life as usual.’”
Gal states that the only positive aspect of bereavement is the unity of his family. Ever since they lost Yaron, they hold more family gatherings and maintain very close relations with their extended family. This makes Gal’s Bar Mitzvah year even harder, because he thinks of all the things they planned to do together as a family. “My favorite day of the week was Friday,” Gal says, “because my dad used to work every day of the week until very late. But on Fridays, he would wait for us as we were coming home from school and we would all have lunch together. He was a great cook.” Gal is very proud of his father, and it is evident he learned a lot from his father’s modesty, sense of duty and leadership. In order to remain close to his father at all times, Gal wears around his neck what his father was wearing as he went into battle: the “dog tag” on which his name and soldier’s serial number are marked.
Coming to the US, meeting new friends, laughing, playing and having fun, is all part of what Gal’s mother meant when she said that life must go on. As a family, they try to keep the memory of Yaron alive with projects such as the book they wrote about him, the garden they created in his honor, and the willingness to tell their story. This was one of the reasons why Gal’s sister, Yuval, joined the Legacy program in California last year and Gal joined it in New York this year.
For Dorin, who lives in Nazareth Elite, joining the program is also a family tradition, after her two older brothers, Netanel and Avishai, participated in Legacy of previous years. She was only seven years old when her brother, Perry, was killed when a terrorist armed with a bomb attempted to enter the military base Perry was guarding. Perry blocked him, sacrificing his life as the suicide bomber exploded, and thereby prevented a more horrifying tragedy. He was a young soldier in the Logistics Corps who offered to carry out guard duty instead of his friend, who was not feeling well. Dorin’s two older brothers also served as combat soldiers, in the Border Police.
“After my brother died, everything changed,” Dorin says. “The life we had before his death and the life we have now are completely different. We don’t go on vacations as much, we don’t celebrate as much. And every time I laugh, there is that sadness, always something in the back of my mind.” Dorin’s mother never goes to family and social events, and her father only goes to some. “My mom will only go to her kids’ wedding celebrations,” Dorin explains sadly, “because she thinks: ‘How can I celebrate when Perry is not here?’”
Although the family stayed very close and united, the loss of Dorin’s brother is a never-ending emotional and physical struggle they all deal with. “It becomes harder with time. Every family event is a special event he is missing, and it just makes it harder.”
Dorin is extremely proud of her brother and the legacy he left behind. “His friends are still very close to our family. They come every Saturday and eat with us.” Just recently, she proudly states, Perry’s best friend named his son after him. Yet, even though she has a stable support system of family and friends, her mourning remains very personal.
“At the beginning, I used to speak to him. I wasn’t able to grasp the idea of him being gone,” Dorin says. “But today, I try to understand, to get used to not having him around.” For her, this process also involves being able to speak about him and her life with friends who can truly understand. “Nothing can express how much I am grateful to the donors who make this program possible,” she states. “The Legacy program unites us and gives me friends that I can talk and cry with. They simply know.” A few weeks ago, this group of kids did not even know one another. But today, Dorin says, “I thank everyone in this program from the bottom of my heart for letting me get to know all these kids and have them as friends. I will definitely keep in touch with them.”
The love and support the Legacy children received during their stay in the US were invaluable. “Sometimes the families are so crushed and broken—both financially and emotionally—that the kids have no one to talk with,” says Rachel, the Legacy project manager. “And the kids in Legacy have the opportunity to talk with one another. This is the type of support no other person can give.”
After a few eventful weeks, the Legacy children are happy to return to Israel and share their experiences with their families back home. For Gal, this trip presented another opportunity to honor the legacy of his father. And for Dorin, it provided the social environment she needed and a lot of good friends for life. They all have their individual struggles and future goals, but together they can gather strength, have hope, and enjoy being kids again.
FIDF thanks the Sephardic Community of New York for opening their hearts and their homes this summer to the Children of Fallen Soldiers. Everywhere they went, these children were surrounded with love and support. Friends of the IDF Legacy Program gave these children the opportunity to honor the legacy of the loved ones they lost while at the same time providing them with the opportunity to build new friendships and memories that will last a lifetime!
