Recently, about 50 young mothers gathered at the home of Joyce Ashkenazi for a SAFE sponsored parenting workshop. Guests were welcomed with a coffee bar by Brooklyn Baristas and were served delicious, healthy appetizers, as they sat down to learn about the emotional connections they build with their children each day. The topic, Conscious Parenting, was selected by SAFE’s Conscious Parenting Committee because building strong, healthy relationships with our children is one of the best ways to prevent them from adopting risky behaviors as they grow.
Corie Adjmi, chair of the committee, opened the discussion by reminding the crowd about their previous SAFE Talk, which was held at the home of Lorayne and Gabriel Shehebar. Corie then handed the discussion over to Dr. Tamar Perlman, a specialist in child psychology, who engaged the group with her warmth, sincerity, and tremendous insight into building meaningful relationships with our children. She shared her expertise on healthy family attachments and the essential nature of the bond between a mother and her child. When that attachment is strong, the child feels loved and supported, and their mother is the first person they want to share their successes with and the first person they go to for help fixing mistakes. The more trust that is built, the more our children let us into their lives, the more we can guide them in the right direction and the more self-esteem they feel.
Some of the other important takeaways from the workshop included suggestions that we adopt a curiosity about our children and their inner world; listening more and talking less; being empathic while still setting boundaries and maintaining discipline; and grounding our children in positive words and experiences.
Dr. Perlman noted that just as a mother would instinctively respond to her baby smiling at her by smiling back, our young children need and gravitate toward that same type of responsiveness. These gestures of love build self-esteem and the confidence to go out into the world and make smart decisions. The greatest way for us to create bonds and have impact on our children is by maintaining empathy and interest, and letting them know that their emotional wants and needs always matter to us. This is how we develop the trusting relationships that last a lifetime.
With all of the mothers in the room striving to be perfect for their children, one of the biggest points Dr. Perlman made is that research shows that parents don’t have to be perfect all the time for kids to grow up healthy. No one—parent, spouse, family, or friend—can always meet every need of their loved ones, but we all feel the pressure to do so. As long as moms are connecting and supporting and encouraging their children regularly, as they grow, children will know that their mothers are always there when they need them. Even if moms have to pay attention to other children or loved ones for just a moment! It is the consistent responses that are the key to forming healthy attachments with our children and key for children to know that they don’t have to be anxious; even if mom is helping a sibling, as soon as she’s free she’ll be there for you. It sends the message that the child is not alone with life’s demands. This workshop, and the many others to come, are about SAFE helping parents broaden their skills so everyone has the tools they need to provide the best foundation for their families.
