Making The Decision To Place Your Child with Special Needs In A Residential Home

Every parent prepares for the day their child leaves home. From the moment their child is born, time marches toward that day of separation. For most typically developing children, that separation begins when the child starts school, then college or yeshivah, and culminating in marriage when he/she (we will say he from here on) leaves to start his own independent life.

For children with special needs, the road to independence looks quite different. In most cases, total independence is never achieved. In some cases, the child remains completely dependent on caregivers, even when he becomes an adult. However, this does not mean that separation does not take place.

For a special young adult, leaving his home to move into a residential home can be looked at as a new stage in life, like a boy going to yeshivah out of town or marriage. For his parents, the separation carries with it the same bag of emotions that all parents go through—with some others that are thrown in, that are unique to parenting a child with special needs.

Raising a child with special needs takes a lot of energy, patience, and love. It is a job that takes over a parent’s life. There are many factors that can make parents decide that it’s the right time to put their child in a residential home. For some it’s the realization that the intensive physical care is beyond their capabilities anymore. For some, the decision is based on the social benefits for their typically developing children. And for others, there comes a point in a child’s life that he needs the expertise of professional staff and equipment to help him advance and develop in a way that he wouldn’t be able to if he stayed home. Often, the parents see that their children end up achieving a higher level of independence and a higher level of functions after leaving home. These children need a home where all their needs are met. We, as parents, have the job to give our children what they really need, even if it isn’t necessarily what we prefer.

Its not so easy to get placement. It can take years. The best advice I can give, even for the parents that aren’t ready to take this step, is to put their child’s name on a waiting list. If and when the time comes, and you are ready or desperate, you won’t have to wait years for placement.
There are very strong emotions that come into play with this big decision. Your first thought is “never, no way!” “How could I?” “This is my child.” “What kind of parent sends his/her child to a home for someone else to take care of? These are all very normal reactions, thoughts, and feelings.
Parents have an obligation to their entire family, including the special child, to evaluate the entire picture and do what’s best for everyone as a whole.

What’s best for the child? To be in your house, but not have the proper equipment, carryover from school, or care to have him reach his full potential? What’s truly best for this child?

While separation anxiety might be felt by the child, we all know that deep down, we as parents, are the ones that are going to truly feel it. So by keeping this child home, are we truly doing what’s best for the child and the family as a whole or it is just for your own “selfish” reasons, such as “I cant hug him every day. How can I give up my child. He needs me. No one will do what I do.”

Think about what’s best for your other children. Are there social issues, because they can’t have friends over, or don’t get your proper attention? They could physically be in danger of being hurt by their sibling with special needs. What makes it the right decision to keep this special child home and choose him over the rest of your family?
What’s best for you and your spouse? Is it best that you should be physically exhausted or mentally tapped out? Is that fair to you, your spouse, or your other children? Are you are too physically or men tally tired to be a proper spouse or parent? You have an obligation to them, just as much as you do to the special child.

While there is no replacement of a mother or father, the level of professionalism and care can be unsurpassed when placed in the right residential home. You can be as involved as you would like, and make all the final decisions, and visit as often as you would like, and at any time. Your home will always be his home. You are not giving up your child—he is still your responsibility, and no one can take that away from you.

Everyone must do what’s best for them and their families. The statement, “If Hashem gave you this challenge, then he gave you the strength to deal with it,” implies that parents who send their child to a residential program have failed their challenge, is false! Guilt is a very powerful emotion, but doing what’s truly best for the child and your family is not failing.

At the end of the day, ensuring that your child lives up to his potential in the setting that is best tailored to his needs, is dealing with this unique challenge in the best way possible. You are actually passing the challenge with flying colors. Take it from me, I have struggled internally with this same issue, it takes great strength to make this very emotionally difficult decision, with an open mind.q