How do we define explosive children? For starters, they are easily frustrated, demanding and inflexible. When things don’t go their way, they react with violence or rage. Their siblings are afraid of them. Their parents are constantly walking on eggshells, terrified of the next outburst. They have barely any friends. And they erupt in temper tantrums, kicking, screaming, sudden outbursts, and verbal or physical aggression, usually in response to relatively benign situations.
Why am I devoting this article to a condition that, while painful, is not relevant to many readers? First, because I’m trying to reach out to those parents, teachers, and others who deal with these children. And second, because I think that certain basic principles can be learned here which can be used when responding to any child who is occasionally irrational and uncooperative.
Let us begin by reassuring the parents of explosive children. This is not your fault. No doubt you are dealing with unsolicited comments from nosy neighbors and friends, even complete strangers, who are placing the blame squarely on your shoulders for your child’s erratic behavior. Chances are that your child has ‘acted up’ in public, and you were the subject of lots of cold stares. These stares are implicitly implying that you are an awful parent to allow this to happen.
People love to ‘lay a guilt trip’ on the parents of explosive children, as if suggesting that if they weren’t such ‘wimpy’ parents, the situation wouldn’t have spiraled out of control in the first place. In other words, they are the trigger that caused this mess in the first place.
This is simply not true. And the sooner parents realize this, the sooner they can begin to deal with the issue at hand. Children are explosive because of a variety of reasons having to do with their brain chemistry, with their ability to absorb levels of frustration and with their inability to react in a normal manner. It has nothing to do with the parents. But it is up to the parents to react properly and to work on minimizing or correcting this outrageous and shocking behavior. Parents have to be up to the challenge.
Dr. Ross W. Greene, PhD, has done extensive research on the problem of explosive children.
He has worked with explosive children for many years, and is well aware of the emotional and physical havoc that they wreak. “Mental health professionals have bestowed countless diagnoses on these children,” he writes. “However, a simple label doesn’t begin to explain the upheaval, turmoil and trauma that these outbursts cause.”
Generally, parents of these children drag them to mental health professionals. They are advised to maintain strict rules, to set up reward systems and to respond strongly to the explosion. Many times, these guidelines don’t work and the child is eventually medicated. When that doesn’t work either, parents are at their wits’ end.
Dr. Greene says that explosiveness is an equal opportunity condition. It comes in male and female children, and in all ages, shapes, and sizes. “Some blow up dozens of times a day, others just a few times a week. Some ‘lose it’ only at home, others only in school, and still others in any conceivable location. Some scream when they become frustrated, others become physically or verbally aggressive.” He emphasizes that “these children have wonderful qualities and tremendous potential. In most ways, their cognitive skills have developed normally.” Yet something is wrong. They can’t properly process frustration or disappointments like everyone else. And they need help in trying to fix the problem.
Imagine that you were planning an outing with your family but it rained all day and you couldn’t go. Sure, your kids would be disappointed and frustrated, but hopefully they could adapt to the situation realistically, and agree on a different activity. Suppose your child wants an ice cream for dessert, but all the ice cream was already eaten by his younger sister. You hope that he will get over the disappointment and settle for a chocolate bar instead. These situations come up countless times in daily life, and acquiring the flexibility and adaptability to deal with them successfully is part of the maturing process.
But the explosive child just can’t do it. Somehow he lacks the skills he needs to process the information and handle the disappointment or frustration. Instead, he breaks out into a tantrum or begins to scream. Believe me, he’s not enjoying it either. He just doesn’t know what else to do.
The important thing, says Dr. Greene, is not to allow this to develop into a power struggle. It may seem logical to impose rules and restrictions on these children, but showing them who’s boss is in fact counterproductive. What usually happens is that the child doesn’t respond in the way that’s intended and a shouting match ensues. The child raises his voice, you raise your voice, the child screams, you scream, the child throws a tantrum, and well—eventually you withdraw because you don’t know what else to do.
There are two important rules to remember when dealing with these children. One: think clearly. Two: stay calm. Sound simple? Not really, especially when you’re caught in the middle of a typhoon that’s out of control. Most people think that if you are dealing with an explosion you have only two options—either to fight or to give in. Dr. Greene, however, is offering you a third option. He calls it empathy. And he says it works wonders.
When your child is in middle of an explosion, he’s really suffering. He doesn’t know how to react to his disappointment and he needs guidance. You, the parent, are going to walk him through it. Want to know what it would sound like? Let’s go back to our proverbial ice cream:
Zevy: “I want ice cream now!”
Mother: (showing empathy) “You want ice cream and you want it now. I understand that. Why? What’s up?”
Zevy: “I’m very hungry!”
Mother: (empathy again) “Oh, I see. You’re very hungry and you want ice cream now. But I can’t give it to you because we don’t have any. I know what to do. Let’s think of a way to get ice cream. Maybe we can call the store and see if they’re open late tonight. Or maybe you can eat a different dessert instead of ice cream. Do you have any other ideas, Zevy?”
Zevy: (sullen but not explosive anymore) “I don’t know. Just call the store already before it’s too late.”
Some readers may think that Zevy’s mom is actually giving in to his request by suggesting calling the store. She isn’t. She’s discussing the options with Zevy and working out solutions that are realistic, doable, and mutually satisfactory. Yes, she avoided confrontation. But she also taught Zevy to use his head in order to come up with a creative solution. That’s not giving in. That’s teaching a vital lesson in managing frustration.
Of course, it’s not easy offering these options to Zevy, especially since he’s probably kicking and screaming by now. This program takes a lot of hard work and effort. Parents will no doubt feel kind of silly repeating their child’s request to them over and over like some kind of robot. It doesn’t matter. Persevere, work at it, and in the end chances are good that the explosions will decrease dramatically and your child will learn to process the solutions that he needs to handle difficult situations all by himself. I’ve seen these children benefit greatly from this type of intervention, and I’m a tremendous advocate of Dr. Greene’s approach. This is an excellent technique and it gets wonderful results. Plus, as I mentioned before, there are key elements of this technique which can be successfully utilized when any child decides to throw a tantrum or become irrational and uncooperative.
Living with an explosive child is frightening, frustrating, and overwhelming. At times, you feel like you’re at your wits’ end. But stop and think about your child for a moment. He’s pretty miserable also. As his parent or teacher you have to reach out and try to help him. As Dr. Greene says, “There is no other group of children who are so misunderstood.”
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Rifka Schonfeld is Director of SOS (Strategies for Optimum Student Success).
