7 Ways to Do It Better
Dr. Leslie M. Gutman
“You are such a good listener. You really helped me.” I received this compliment the other day and it made my whole week. It wasn’t grand or poetic. It was personal and heartfelt, and I felt like I mattered. And yet chances are when you notice something good about someone, you say nothing. Or you think of the perfect words hours later. Or you assume they already know and don’t bother. Or you say something that rings hollow.
Compliments are more than mere niceties. When you offer a compliment, you’re doing four things at once. You’re strengthening our connection to others. Compliments are moments of bonding, safety, and belonging. You’re elevating others. Most people would love a sincere, specific affirmation. Not flattery. Just being seen. You’re helping people grow. When you name a strength that someone is showing, you help them see their own potential more clearly. That tiny moment of recognition can motivate someone to step up, try again, or lean into a quality they didn’t fully realize they had. You’re boosting our own well-being. Recognizing the good makes you feel good, too.
If we understood how powerful compliments are, perhaps we’d give more of them. And we’d give them better. Here are seven ways to give better compliments and how to give them more frequently.
Notice the micro good
Don’t wait for something big or impressive. The small things are where relationships thrive. Example: “You made me smile when you messaged me this morning.” Noticing the small things teaches us to see the world with gratitude.
Tip: Give a compliment for one tiny act of goodness each day. Focus on something you’d normally overlook.
Make it specific
“Great job” is fine. But specificity can be transformative. It tells the person: “I really saw you.” Example: “Your message was so clear and thoughtful. It made my day easier.”
Tip: If you want to make your compliments more meaningful, try using P.R.A.I.S.E. It’s a simple way to turn vague comments into something warm and memorable:
- Person: address them directly
- Reason: why you’re speaking up
- Action: what they did
- Impact: how it affected you or others
- Specifics: one concrete detail
- Emotion: how it made you feel
Compliment effort, not just outcome
Judaism teaches that we’re rewarded for effort, not results. Psychology says something similar: effort-based praise builds resilience and identity. Example: “I admire the persistence you showed.”
Tip: Start compliments with “I noticed how you…” to highlight process over perfection.
Say it in the moment
Don’t save it for later, and don’t wait for the perfect phrasing. A simple, sincere sentence right now is better than the perfect compliment that never gets said. Example: “That was such a thoughtful question you asked just now.”
Tip: If you notice something good, give yourself a five-second window to say it.
Let it be simple
You don’t need to justify it. Just saying the good thing that you noticed is enough. Example: “You’re really good at making people feel welcome.”
Tip: If you feel awkward, keep it to one sentence. Sincerity beats eloquence.
Compliment character, not just appearance
Appearance-based compliments can be lovely, but character-based ones build identity. Example: “You are so calm in stressful situations.” These are the compliments people remember years later.
Tip: Ask yourself: “What quality did this person show?” Say that.
Practice receiving compliments gracefully
Giving compliments is only half the equation. Receiving them well is its own form of generosity. When you deflect: “Oh, it was nothing,” you block the giver’s kindness. A simple “thank you” respects the moment.
Tip: If receiving a compliment feels uncomfortable, act as though you’re accepting a small gift.
Compliments are tiny acts of generosity, moments of truth-telling, flashes of appreciation. In a world quick to criticize and slow to notice, offering a sincere compliment stands out. You don’t need to follow all six principles. Even using two or three will give your compliments more sincerity and depth.
