As our teens begin a new school year, the time we spend with them will be greatly reduced. High school hours are long, socializing is of the utmost importance to them, and then there is homework. By the time Shabbat rolls around, many young adults are too tired to engage with family members, much less their parents. And yet, we know that the common denominator among teens that do well academically and socially, stay healthy and drug-free, is that they have a close relationship with Mom and Dad.
Teens need to be connected to their parents during this time of exploration. If theyre not, they will find something else to hold onto. They need us to help them navigate barriers, to answer questions and to discuss problems. They also need space, so they can begin to make decisions for themselves.
Try to remember that they are dealing with the demands of school, social pressures, raging hormones and often lack of sleep. Since they dont have much time for us, its important to take advantage of every opportunity that comes along to spend time with them, even if youre tired. Watch TV together, drive your son to a friends house, or get up early to bid him good day, even if it means just seeing him for a minute or two. Create other occasions to be together. Make a date to walk by the ocean, have dinner at a restaurantjust the two of you, or venture out to see an exhibit, a movie or show.
Be pleasant; praise your teen like you did when he was a preschooler. Respect his privacy and never make him think that youre speaking about him with your friends. This will build trust.
Monitor, but dont police, your teen. Know where he is, who hes with, what hes doing and when he will be home. Have him check in regularly. This should be done with a trusting attitude. Try not to be overly controlling.
When you speak to your teen, be open and honest. Talk about the mistakes you made at his age. This is an effective way to teach without lecturing. It also helps create a more open atmosphere.
When setting rules, allow your teen to have a say. Your aim is to focus on safety, with an emphasis on providing guidance; its not to prove that youre the boss. You want to teach him to make good, sound decisions when youre not around.
Be very specific about exactly where you stand on important issues and risky behaviors. Teens dont do well with gray areas.
They often argue, because theyre trying to form an identity. They cannot develop their own minds unless they challenge the things they have been taught. Continue to convey values and keep your messages brief. Research shows that parents who respect their teens individuality help prevent risk-taking behavior and protect them against depression and other problems.
Encourage him to develop and express his opinions and ideas. When he does this, show him that you absorbed what he said, and if you disagree, engage in healthy debate.
Finally, be a role model to your child. Be the kind of parent that he can respect, wishes to emulate and wants be close to!
If you or someone you know needs help, please call SAFEs toll-free hotline, 24/7 at 1-866-569-SAFE (1-866-569-7233).
Do you have a question? If so, email: ask@thesafefoundation.org or visit TheSafeFoundation.org.
