Why is recovery from an eating disorder not straightforward like, say, pneumonia where we take antibiotics, rest a lot, and then we’re cured? If curing eating disorders was only that simple. Many people are ambivalent about getting better because they develop an attachment to their eating problem. The comfort, familiarity, calming, soothing, and even isolation of their eating disorder can feel protective, like a security blanket. And who wants to give up a security blanket that can relieve anxiety?
The road to recovery from an eating disorder is filled with peaks and valleys; It is a process that ebbs and flows—two steps forward, one step back.
The head wants one thing but the appetites want something else. Emily wants to lose weight, but another part of her fears she won’t succeed so she considers no longer trying. Karen wishes she could let go of her anorexia, but another part of her secretly enjoys her family’s attention now that she’s ill. Sheila wants to give up bingeing and purging, but it’s a ‘good’ excuse not to have to return to that scary place called college. It’s as if each woman is in a civil war with herself.*
Ambivalence about recovery can manifest itself in other ways as well. Jillian’s boyfriend poked fun at her when she wanted to take an extra sandwich in the car for a trip upstate to visit her parents. “We just ate an hour ago. Why can’t you just wait, and we’ll eat when we get there?” Jake laughed. Jillian had recently learned that she needed to eat every three-to-four hours to prevent getting overly hungry, which often resulted in her bingeing. That structure gave her security. She felt ashamed at Jakes’ words, so she became ambivalent about whether to press her point or retreat. She felt conflicted and weighed the pros and cons: if she gave in to her shame, she might get hungry and later resort to overeating; if she declared she was going to buy the sandwich and take care of herself, she risked her boyfriend’s ridicule. Jillian decided the best technique was not to be defensive but to tell Jake in an unapologetic manner why she wanted the sandwich. He then better understood that there was a good reason for her request. The key to her successful communication? Not apologizing for her needs.
People are often ambivalent about change, even change for the better. Change is disconcerting and disorienting, and it is normal to be hesitant and seesaw back and forth.
Here are some suggestions to stimulate your own motivation:
• Recognize that any change produces ambivalence. Be prepared for ups and downs. This is normal.
• What benefits do you derive from your eating problem? Does it give you companionship? Comfort?
• Acknowledge the price you pay for continuing hurtful eating behavior. Think of the physical consequences and lowered self-esteem.
• If you decide to change, what would be your first step?
• Consider what worked for you in the past.
• You don’t have to tackle your whole eating problem at once. The best beginning technique is what I call, “Just Do One Thing Differently.” Drink more water during the day, or eat more salads, or exercise an extra five minutes. These small alterations in your behavior will communicate to your brain you are ready to slowly change.
Change is a process of stops and starts. Above all else: maintain a loving ongoing compassion for yourself!
Written by: Mary Anne Cohen, CSW
*Names and identifying data have been changed for confidentiality.
