MARY ANNE COHEN, LCSW, BCD
“REGARDING MY EATING BEHAVIOR, PERFECTIONISM DIDN’T LEAD TO RESULTS. IT LED TO PEANUT BUTTER. − BRENE BROWN
A past advertisement for the women’s lingerie company Victoria’s Secret was labeled “The Perfect Body.” A group of extremely tall, unbelievably thin, (and probably airbrushed), young women posed with their ribs sticking out. Is there any woman who doesn’t longingly wish, “If only I could look that perfect?”
But wait! Over 5,600 women in a burst of disapproval signed a petition protesting this ad! With creative hashtags, such as #noonebodytypeisperfect, they complained that the advertisement “promotes low self-esteem among women who are made to feel that their bodies are inadequate and unattractive because they do not fit into this narrow standard of beauty.”
Victoria’s Secret promptly changed their campaign to a more neutral slogan, “A Body for Everybody.” It is heartening that women are fighting back against the impossible demands of perfection that our culture has fed us for so many decades.
WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM?
Perfectionism is when you set extremely high standards for yourself and are unhappy with anything less. Perfectionism is not about striving for healthy self-improvement. It is about harsh and rigid self-judgment: either I’m an ideal weight or I’m bad; either I’m a size 4 or I’m fat; either I exercise two hours every day or I’m a failure. This is black or white thinking at it is most destructive.
“When I was anorexic and weighed 80 pounds, I felt one moment of bliss,” Judy (not her real name), a client of mine, described. “But then I just wanted to eat even less to guarantee my thinness was going to last. Even now, after therapy helped me get more realistic, I still obsess about my eating and size about 50% of every waking moment. I guess that’s better than what I used to do which was 100% of my life!”
Judy was the oldest girl in a family with four younger brothers. She learned early on that her “job description” was to be a little mother to her siblings. Her own needs were swept under the carpet as she strived to be the perfectly in control daughter. Her quest to also be perfectly in control of her body led to developing anorexia as a young teen.
Judy has made progress in modifying her perfectionism although she still has a way to go. But she feels more hopeful. When she had to stop her strict exercise routine during a two week trip to Europe, she reminded herself that when she got back to New York, she would begin again, and that all was not lost by her taking a break. “It’s not as much of a tragedy any more if I can’t exercise perfectly,” she added. “I’ve come to accept that I’m human, and that doesn’t make me a weak person.”
PERFECTIONISM, ANXIETY, AND EATING DISORDERS: A PERFECT STORM
Why would someone strive to be perfect if it harmed them psychologically and/or physically? The answer is that many people have strong feelings of anxiety, a sense of inner emptiness, an obsessive compulsive personality, a traumatic abuse history, or unresolved grief that leads them to organize their life around perfectionism. Dieting/excessive exercise/emotional eating can provide structure and meaning to one’s life. This is why an anorexic or bulimic fights so fiercely to hold on to her illness, and why a compulsive overeater is afraid to give up her destructive eating patterns. Who would she be without emotional eating? What would give her life meaning and purpose? These questions need to be worked through in therapy before she feels strong enough to cope with life without the safety crutch of disordered eating and perfectionism.
SELF-COMPASSION
Self-compassion is the antidote to chronic dissatisfaction with one’s eating, weight, and body. But how do we achieve self-compassion if we hate our stomach or binged on chocolate chip cookies last night?
- Acknowledge that you have an eating/body image disorder and that healing is a process that takes time. What is important is to continue to work on getting better and making progress on your issues. You may never get it perfect! Work on getting better rather than being perfect.
- Be aware of the reasons you have developed perfectionism. Did you get the message from your family that your success was all important and nothing less was acceptable? (“You got a 90 on the test? What happened to the other ten points?”).
- Acceptance is key to achieving more balance and less perfection. We are all human and have our good points and our not so good points. If we can get perspective that life is a journey that is often accompanied by anxiety and imperfection, we realize that everyone is in the same boat. You do not have to be perfect to accept the body you have. The key is to call a truce to waging war with your body and to work on appreciating the wondrous ways it does show up for you every day. Perhaps imperfection is the new perfection!
The Mindful Eating Project is here to help you get “ownership” of your eating and perfectionism. The Mindful Eating Project can help you:
- Custom tailor an individual approach for your unique needs.
- Help you get the control for your eating back inside yourself.
- Develop and maintain healthy eating patterns.
- Regain body confidence.
- Unlock what may be keeping you stuck in your eating problems.
Schedule an initial assessment with The Mindful Eating Project, and we’ll help you determine if you can benefit from treatment. To start a confidential conversation about your eating, please contact us. Contact is absolutely confidential.
Please feel free to call (718)336-MEND.
The Mindful Eating Project is a division of The SAFE Foundation.
Mary Anne Cohen, LCSW, BCD is Director of The New York Center for Eating Disorders since 1982. She is also author of French Toast for Breakfast: Declaring Peace with Emotional Eating and Lasagna for Lunch: Declaring Peace with Emotional Eating. Mary Anne has hosted her own radio show on eating disorders, appears frequently on national television, and is the professional book reviewer.
