THE AMAZING PEOPLE BEHIND THE SCENES
HELPING SINGLES MEET
SARINA ROFFÉ
“MATCHMAKER, MATCHMAKER MAKE ME A MATCH, FIND ME A FIND…” THE WORDS FROM THE FIDDLER ON THE ROOF SONG, ALTHOUGH BRILLIANT, PROJECT THE FEELING THAT MATCHMAKING IS AN OLD-FASHIONED, OUT-OF-SYNC WAY FOR SINGLES TO MEET. THE STEREOTYPE IS FAR FROM THE TRUTH.
An army of about 70 volunteer matchmakers in the community, empowered by Instagram posts that have made matchmaking cool not only among the more religious, but for everyone, are unsung heroes toiling to help people meet. People—young, old, single or divorced, religious or modern—are using the skills of trained matchmakers in the community.
This public stance about matchmaking—helping people who want to be married find their soulmates—has given Odette Rishty and others like her, more couples to help. With each matchmaker handling hundreds of cases, there has been overwhelming demand.
Now working behind the scenes for about 25 years, Odette’s hesed has helped more than 40 couples meet and marry. She connects with people on her Instagram account @itsallagift, on the phone and in person. Singles reach out to Odette and the other matchmakers by emailing shaarezionconnect@gmail.com.
Odette described one couple she interviewed and helped. “These were two modern Orthodox 22-year-olds in jeans and leather jackets. Joe (fictitious name) wanted my help and his friend said he only came along for moral support, but asked to be interviewed once he saw Odette’s style of welcome and getting to know them. It took a few introductions, and Joe met his nasseeb (soulmate).
”As it turned out Joe’s friend let’s call him B said he had someone he was interested in. Months went by and suddenly Odette found out that B had broken it off with the girl over a religious infraction. Odette realized B had a more serious side to his personality than was visible through the intake interview. She got a call from another matchmaker about an intelligent educated girl. She called B, to ask if he would meet her and he agreed. Before she knew it, they married. You never know!
“I think of it as gourmet dating,” said Odette, who is an excellent listener, gets to know each person well, and comes to understand what they are looking for in a life partner. She even makes date suggestions. Ultimately the match is coming from Hashem and sometimes Odette gets some insight that allows her to be a partner in the process of helping two people find each other.
“There are many singles in the community who want to be married. We are here for them, and it is the only reason I do what I do,” she said. “There are thousands more singles than there are matchmakers. We work with each individual no matter what is going on in our own lives. We don’t tell the person we are answering their call from a hospital bed, or from a family vacation, or while spending time with our own children.”
Odette’s style developed under the guidance of several rabbis who influenced her life—Rabbi David Cohen, Rabbi Shlomo Churba, Rabbi David Ozeri, Rabbi Moshe Kuessous A”H, Rabbis Max and David Maslaton. “The continuing guidance of community rabbis is needed to understand the needs of some couples,” she said. “The rabbis including Hakham Baruch A”H and Rabbi Shaul Kassin A”H always extended themselves above and beyond to me personally for the singles. This impressed upon me early on the chashivoot (importance) of the matter.”
Relationships can best flourish when they are based on shared values and vision. The matchmakers help people identify their values and meet a like-minded soulmate. Sometimes the person has a personal issue that hinders the process, and the matchmakers help the person identify and overcome the issue. The more open the person is, the easier it is to help them find a match.
The community matchmakers have their own network. They meet, they speak on the phone, they keep a database of singles, of their likes, their dislikes, and information about them that will help other matchmakers put people together. Each of them is a volunteer, helping couples in their spare time. They each have families and some also work full time.
Odette began matchmaking by accident when she was married with two children. Then in her mid-20s, she had a single friend. “In those days no one went to a matchmaker, except the more religious.” She heard about a meeting for matchmakers and went, towing her son along in his car seat. All she wanted to do was describe her friend and get her on their radar.
“As I sat there, I heard them describing people and then I realized I knew a guy for one of the girls they were speaking about. They had a list, but they didn’t know the people I knew. At the time, I was more modern so the people I knew were not on their radar,” said Odette. “I knew people who would never go to a matchmaker. So, they told me I had to keep coming.”
That couple got married and then the other matchmakers ‘trained’ her on how to interview people and other nuances, such as not setting up a Cohen with a divorced girl. “There was a lot to think about,” she said. “It took time. They were patient and loved that I had names of people they didn’t have. A new name is exciting to someone who is single. Before I knew it, I was making match after match.”
Odette, like the other matchmakers in the community, spends hours on the phone, interviewing potential mates and trying to find the right fit for each person. They want to give people hope that when they call, tthey will have a date that takes into account at least some of their ‘wants.’
“When I meet a person, I listen to them and make sure they know I hear everything they say, it validates what is on their list and encourages them. The client needs to think that I want for them what I want for my own child,” she said. “I want people to know I am thinking of them and not to give up, no matter how old they are. I’ve literally matched many in the older age groups who had felt like it was never going to happen.”
Respect for them is important to me, and I always work from that point of view. If I begin a communication in a text, I always ask how they are, if they are seeing someone and then speak to them. I don’t give them another suggestion if they are seeing someone because that really could cause confusion,’’ she said.
Some of the matchmakers deal with specific age groups, or religious levels; some have a bigger list, while others are younger and in training. Sometimes Odette might host a mixer for people to meet. Odette even found matches for two of her four children!
Odette does other volunteer work as well. She was a captain for Sephardic Bikur Holim, taking on a family in need and working side-by-side with the social worker to be sure they got what they needed to get on their feet. She is also a Mitzvah Man volunteer, visiting Holocaust survivors and the sick. Working with David Assis in the new community organization, Osehshalom.world, Odette tries to make peace between people who are not speaking to each other.
When she was asked where her drive to help others came from, she said “My parents, Ezra and Adela Tebele A”H, who were giving people and taught us to look out for others’ needs and help people. “Many times, when I was a child, and walking with my father in Manhattan, we saw a homeless guy on the street. My father would buy him a hot chocolate and a sandwich and put it next to him. It made a big impression on me and taught me not to fear people who were different from me. My mother had the warmest personality; everyone who came close to her was mothered. I learned from their example that giving was everything!
Odette’s biggest cheerleader is her husband of three decades, Elliot Rishty. Along the way Elliot made his own match! One night, he watched Odette interview a girl and after she left, said she’d be perfect for the brother of someone at his synagogue. The rest was history!
Odette helps Elliot and his partner in their jewelry and gift business. One of her tasks is handling the Instagram posts which she says isn’t such a task but more a labor of love. Because connecting with people in a heartfelt way is a part of her. Instagram has helped forge many more warm connections.
“I guess it’s important to tell Image readers that I have matched every religious level and type but I connect especially well with mainstream singles or ones who grew religiously more recently, because I grew up just like them and understand how difficult it is to even fathom needing a matchmaker’s help,” she said.
“It’s a nice feeling to be appreciated for what we do or when we make a match, but the best feeling is when I watch our community’s young and mature adults walk down the aisle with that beaming smile.”
A genealogist and historian, Sarina Roffé is the author of Branching Out from Sepharad (Sephardic Heritage Project, 2017), Sarina holds a BA in Journalism, and MA in Jewish Studies and an MBA.
