Practical wisdom for handling emotions and moods without escalating tension
Sarah Pachter
Learning to navigate the moods of others, especially in families, is one of life’s hardest jobs. And yet, it’s learnable. Below are five key principles for becoming a master of moods, based on Jewish wisdom and real life experience from Rabbi Aryeh Nivin.
- Don’t Communicate in a Low State
Timing is everything. Don’t give constructive criticism or try to resolve conflict when one or both parties are in a low emotional state.
Unfortunately, this is precisely when most people want to talk. When you feel hurt, angry, or constricted, the urge to “get it off your chest” feels urgent and justified. But this instinct is generated by your lower self and masquerades as honesty. Don’t fall into the trap. - The 72 Hour Rule
Rabbi Aryeh Nivin teaches a simple but radical practice. When you’re angry, wait 72 hours before addressing it. “Fifty percent of all negativity would disappear if people did this,” he says.
Why? Because when you’re in a low state, you are not only reactive, you’re often unaware that you’re reactive. Your perception narrows and instead of creating any positive change, you damage the other party and yourself. That’s why giving your child a consequence to his misbehavior should never be done in the heat of the moment when you’re infuriated.
Instead, try saying something like this: “I’m upset right now and I don’t think we can talk productively. Let’s talk tomorrow and we’ll figure out how to fix this together.”
The child sleeps peacefully. The next day, the conversation happens in expanded consciousness, when the opportunity to positively educate your child is more likely to happen. - Look for Opportune Moments
An opportune moment is when you and your spouse or child are both in a positive state of mind. When both parties are calm, relaxed, or even giddy, then deep, meaningful conversation flows more naturally. These moments are rare and when they appear, they should be utilized wisely.
Rabbi Aryeh Nivin shares an example of an opportune or “magic moment” in his house.
“One late night, I came home exhausted from work and saw my teenagers sitting on the couch in great moods, laughing. They wanted me to join. I was tired and wanted to go to bed, but I poured a cup of coffee and stayed up to talk.
“We had phenomenal conversations and developed real connection, depth, and trust.
“I paid for it the next day because I was tired. But the Return on Investment. Unmatched. That hour was worth weeks of parenting.” - Create Magic Moments
(Don’t Just Wait for Them)
If you know what puts someone in a positive state, you can engineer connection. Different people enter good moods through different doors:
• One child connects through food, take him out to eat.
• Another connects through movement, go for a walk.
• Another through humor, invite him to make you laugh, or share a joke.
• Another through nature, go to the beach, the boardwalk, outdoors.
Rabbi Nivin shares, “One of my sons and I took a walk together every Saturday night for an entire year before he got married. Those were some of the best memories we created together and it was in those moments we had some of the deepest and most constructive conversations.”
Don’t just wait for magic moments. Actively work to create them and take advantage of them for the opportunity of deep conversation. This applies with everyone, parents, teachers, employers, spouses. - Create a Good Mood Inside Your Home
Homes have energy. You feel the vibe when you walk in. Our sages explain that the walls and beams testify before G-D what is happening behind closed doors. The walls of your home absorb spiritual residue. Love, tension, laughter, restraint, it all leaves an imprint.
There are homes where you feel calm the moment you enter. Others feel heavy. That’s not accidental or random.
Be conscious about:
• Infusing warmth, unity, gratitude
• Bringing intentional presence into the space
• Taking actions to produce sweetness in the home environment through cooking and music. A mother’s challah tastes like love because it is love. A father reading to his child is a gift that their child holds in their heart for years.
When the energy of the home is positive, the difference is palpable, and a happy mood can more easily ensue amongst all family members.
Moods shape relationships. When you learn to work with them wisely, connection becomes easier and your home becomes warmer.
