MARY ANNE COHEN LCSW, BCD
ARE YOU HUNGRY FOR HOPE? IF YOU HAVE BATTLED WITH BINGEING FOR A VERY LONG TIME, YOU MAY FEEL DESPAIR WONDERING IF YOU’LL EVER BE ABLE TO MAKE POSITIVE CHANGES—OR IF YOU CANNOT STOP THROWING UP AFTER YOU BINGE, YOU MAY BELIEVE YOU WILL NEVER GET BETTER. IF YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND ARE CONVINCED YOU COULD NEVER LIKE YOUR BODY, YOU MIGHT FEEL DEEPLY DESPONDENT.
So, how do you inject hope into what feels like a hopeless situation? How do we move from hopeless to hope to healing to wholeness? Hope is when you look forward to something you desire and have reasonable confidence that you can achieve it. You have a strong belief that you can reach a cherished goal. Hope is different than optimism where people try to have a positive outlook and “whistle a happy tune whenever they feel afraid.” While optimism is a positive attitude, hope has a goal and a determined plan of action to help you achieve that goal.
When people feel hopeless about making progress in their eating or weight issues, they do one of two things.
They become paralyzed and stuck in their misery and do nothing. Since nothing changes, their despair deepens. Eating and weight issues become a chronic way of life with an increase in emotional and physical limitations. A lack of hope engenders passivity, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and then resignation sets in.
They make a sweeping overhaul to change themselves quickly and dramatically. People begin to follow restrictive or fad diets and punishing exercise regimes. But a quick fix is rarely sustainable because it takes so much energy and deprivation. So people wind up eventually reverting back to their old behaviors.
Neither choice provides much hope for long lasting change. So how can we stimulate hope when all our best efforts have failed? Jackie, age 24, gave me an unusual lesson in hope. In our first consultation after listening to Jackie’s story, I told her that she had a diagnosis of binge eating disorder. A slow, bright smile lit up her face. She seemed thrilled! I was so surprised at her happy reaction that I asked her why. “Because, up until now, I just thought I was crazy!” Jackie explained. “I have been so ashamed and guilty and felt so alone with my chaotic and sneaky eating. I’ve spent a ton of money on food and even hide food from my family. Now that I know I have a real diagnosis, you are giving me hope that there is something I can do about it. If there is a true rhyme and reason to what I do, then hopefully I can change it!”
To generate hope with your eating struggles, begin by doing just one thing differently. Since change is composed of a series of forward moving steps, taking even one step on your own behalf will provide a glimmer of hope. Hope begets hope, and you can continue to build strategies against your emotional eating with bite-size pieces.
OTHER STRATEGIES TO ENCOURAGE HOPE
• Lessening your perfectionism. The identity of many emotional eaters is based on performance, pleasing, and striving to be perfect; they are convinced this is what makes them lovable. However, evaluating your life and your eating behavior through the lens of “I must be perfect” will sign you up for a lifetime of frustration and self-doubt. The antidote to perfectionism is believing that, good enough is good enough.
• Speak with others who have the ability to just listen (and not necessarily give advice). Venting our stress rather than acting out with food is a robust tool to lighten our burden. “I love coming to therapy,” laughed Sherry, “because you have to totally listen to me and I don’t have to reciprocate by being polite and asking how you’re doing! Frankly, I don’t care how you are. I just want to talk about myself!”
• Changing what you can, accepting what you can’t. Accept a certain amount of powerlessness. Take all necessary steps to fix a problem, let go of the results. In the midst of a grueling divorce, Pearl recognized that all the cake in the world was not going to resolve her conflict. She continued her plan of action to solve her legal dilemma while working valiantly not to compound her own pain by overeating.
Everyone’s path to self-care and self-soothing is as unique as a fingerprint. Keep refining your unique path. The last chapter has not yet been written on your life. There is still room and time to cultivate a good, strong relationship with yourself where food is no longer a tool for emotional expression and release. Sink your teeth into life, not into your relationship with food!
If you are hungry for hope, reach out to MEND (Mindful Eating New Direction). MEND is a new community initiative to help people like you. You are not alone!
We will work with you to:
• Custom tailor an individual approach for your unique needs.
• Help you get control of your eating back inside yourself.
• Develop and maintain healthy eating patterns.
• Regain body confidence.
• Unlock what may be keeping you stuck in your eating problems.
Schedule an initial assessment with MEND, and we’ll help you determine if you can benefit from treatment. To start a confidential conversation about your eating, please contact us. All contact is absolutely confidential.
Please feel free to call (718)336-MEND. MEND is a division of The SAFE Foundation.
Mary Anne Cohen, LCSW, BCD has been Director of The New York Center for Eating Disorders since 1982. She is also author of French Toast for Breakfast: Declaring Peace with Emotional Eating and Lasagna for Lunch: Declaring Peace with Emotional Eating. Mary Anne has hosted her own radio show on eating disorders, appears frequently on national television, and is a professional book reviewer.
