Many people consider it “normal” behavior to anxiously monitor their weight every day, to worry about whether they’re exercising enough and to obsess about whether to eat dessert. But is a lifetime of guilt about food and weight really normal? Is this how we want to live our lives? Is our physical appearance the only way we measure our success in the world?
First, let’s look at examples of what is not normal eating:
Lauren* complains that her eating was “good” all day but she ruined it with some cookies after dinner.
Elizabeth* cries that she cheated on her diet because she forgot to count the calories in the milk she added to her coffee.
Stacey* goes to a party, overeats, feels guilty, and then starves herself the next day.
Pamela* doesn’t want to go to the movies with friends because she didn’t exercise that day and feels “too fat.”
Lauren, Elizabeth, Stacey and Pamela all feel unhappy with themselves which affects their moods, their self-esteem, and increases the critical voices in their heads.
Here are examples of what normal eating could be:
Lauren has cookies after dinner, enjoys them, knowing that normal people eat cookies sometimes and they will not ruin her life.
Elizabeth realizes her habit of picking on herself for little “transgressions” never helps. In fact, it often backfires, and she throws in the towel by eating everything in sight.
Stacey goes to a party, overeats, realizes she doesn’t like feeling overstuffed, and the next day goes back to eating when she is hungry.
Pamela realizes she will feel isolated and deprived if she doesn’t socialize with her friends, goes to the movies, and exercises when she has the time and energy.
Lauren, Elizabeth, Stacey and Pamela all recognize that they are human, that sometimes they overeat or underexercise, that life (and eating) is generally not perfect, and they move on from there, living their lives to the fullest.
So, what are the rules of normal eating? First of all, there is no one set of rules that applies to everyone. Developing normal eating habits is an individual process based on one’s appetite, weight, metabolism, lifestyle and activity level. What’s normal for you can even change day by day.
Sometimes I want three meals a day and snacks, sometimes I want all my food to be breakfast food, sometimes I don’t want breakfast at all, sometimes I want a midnight snack, sometimes I want a ton of salad, sometimes I want a juicy hamburger with lots of ketchup. The key to normal eating is tuning in to what you want to eat, when you are hungry, and not eating when you are full.
For some people, identifying whether they are hungry can be a complicated process. Sara*, a patient of mine, presented this unusual story: “I can never easily identify what I’m feeling—be it hunger or any other emotion. I realize where this comes from. The other day I was with my father and I told him I was cold. He said to me, ‘No, you’re not cold.’ Most people would say, ‘Really, you’re cold? I’m not.’ My Dad informed me what I was feeling, as if he knew better than I did. I realized how often he has told me in the past what I was feeling. Dad would say, ‘You will want to join the basketball team in school.’ ‘You don’t really want to go out with that boy.’ He made me confused about what I truly wanted. No wonder I’m bulimic: I can’t decide whether I want to keep the food or get rid of it, whether I want it inside of me or out, whether it’s my wish to eat or someone else’s wish, if a food is good or bad—if what I want is good or bad.”
Sara’s story illustrates the complex journey of developing a sense of self, of knowing and owning your own private feelings. This is the first step towards becoming a normal eater.
Normal eaters are able to separate their food from their feelings, their eating from their emotions. They view food as food, not as a way to relieve stress, or a method to cope with unhappiness, or a means to soothe uncomfortable feelings. They enjoy food and don’t think of it as good versus bad.
Normal eaters generally adhere to six simple steps:
1. They eat when they are hungry.
2. They eat what will satisfy them.
3. They stop eating when full.
4. They face feelings directly rather than detouring them through over- or undereating.
5. They express their emotions directly rather than hiding behind food.
6. They don’t beat themselves up if they overeat, undereat, or gain a couple of pounds. They take it in stride as the normal ebb and flow of life.
Nobody becomes a normal eater overnight. But you can begin by making slow changes. If you accept that progress, not perfection, is your goal, you will alleviate the stress of your relationship with food and come to live in better harmony with your body and your eating. L’Chaim!
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Mary Anne Cohen, CSW, is director of The New York Center for Eating Disorders and author of the nationally acclaimed book, French Toast for Breakfast: Declaring Peace with Emotional Eating. The New York Center for Eating Disorders offers therapy for binge eating, bulimia and anorexia.
* Names have been changed for confidentiality.
