Healthy communication and relationships work with the understanding that we do not know what others think and feel. The same holds true in the parent-child relationship, as the tone of healthy interactions are colored by the idea that parents cannot fully understand their still-developing child.
When a child is an infant, a mother knows him very well. She knows when he is tired, hungry, and dirty. However, as the baby begins to grow into a toddler, the child becomes an individual with unique emotional needs, temperaments, and talents.
Nevertheless, as parents, we tend to project ourselves onto our children. Projection is when we look at someone else, observe their actions, and believe that we know their motivations and feelings. Many parents believe that they know their children like they know themselves. They assume that their children operate under the same expectations, needs, and assumptions as adults. When their children present them with problems, parents try to solve and fix the problems by bombarding them with solutions and/or downgrading the problem itself.
There is a natural tendency for parents to feel that as long as we know our child like we know ourselves, we can have full control of our child’s behaviors. In this way, we will not feel helpless when we can’t solve his problems. However, we must admit that our child is his own individual and we must learn to treat him as a unique individual, at his current level of development.
Treating our child as a separate person helps both the parent and the child. Often, when a child doesn’t perform according to his parent’s expectations, the parent’s stress level rises. The parent becomes angry and begins to force their mandates onto the child in ways that make the child angry. The parent is confused. They feel that they know their child perfectly, and expected the child to have already complied or felt differently, which causes more frustration. This frustration can build, sometimes to the point that a parent loses their temper.
In the child’s world—as in most relationships, when the parent operates in “solve/fix” mode to the child’s problems, the child begins to feels even more misunderstood, as they do not get the emotional support that they need to overcome the problem. The child then responds with arguments and angry feelings.
On the other hand, when a child feels that his parent is spending more energy in trying to understand him than spewing solutions, the child begins to feel that they are not alone with the problem. The hurt that the child has been feeling is diminished as the parent’s sympathy serves as an emotional first aid for bruised feelings.
When we genuinely acknowledge a child’s plight and spend more energy in actively listening, the child is able to gather the strength to face reality. Remember we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. When we offer the time and compassion to understand our children, we send the message: you are important to me, and I want to understand your feelings. Behind that vital message is the reassurance: “as you feel peaceful, you’ll find the best solutions.”
Some of the concepts in this article are based on the teachings of Dr. E. Becker, a dear mentor of mine.
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Benjie Stern, PhD, is a school psychologist at Magen David Yeshivah and specializes in counseling children, teenagers and parents. He is a member of Nefesh International Network of Orthodox Mental Health Professionals, American Psychological Association and the National Association of School Psychologists.
