Getting Closer, A Guide for Orthodox Couples

In his new book “Getting Closer—Understanding and Treating Issues in Marital Intimacy: A Guide for Orthodox Couples,” Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in New York, tackles a topic rarely addressed in the Orthodox world of publishing. Dealing with intimacy dysfunctions challenging married couples, Rabbi Schonbuch utilizes his training as a marriage therapist in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help frum couples who may be suffering in shame or isolation.

Some of the major issues discussed in the book include: Internet addiction, overcoming childhood sexual abuse, desire disorders, depression and anxiety, including how anti-depressants affect intimacy; pregnancy, postpartum depression, infertility, unconsummated marriages and women’s and men’s physical issues.

The book is ideal for married couples, teachers, therapists, rabbis and rebbetzins dealing with shalom bayit (peace at home) issues.

Throughout its pages are detailed descriptions of dysfunctions and disorders, interwoven with case studies of how Rabbi Schonbuch helped couples through EFT. By focusing on the emotions a couple is feeling when they’re quarreling, they come to realize what they’re truly feeling and can work together to get closer with one another and work on healing their marriage.

“Getting Closer,” was edited by Dr. Heather Appelbaum, Associate Professor, Obstetrics, Gynecology and Reproductive Medicine, Hofstra North Shore LIJ University School of Medicine and is endorsed by Rabbi Tzvi Hersh Weinreb, Ph.D., Executive Vice President, Emeritus of the Orthodox Union.

“Apparent on every page is Rabbi Schonbuch’s sensitivity to the special role that intimacy plays in our religious tradition,” Rabbi Weinreb said. “He discusses various aspects of dysfunction in a frank and very helpful manner, providing a resource to individuals and couples who are struggling with a variety of problems, many of which are very common.”

According to Dr. Appelbaum, “Rabbi Schonbuch uses his extensive experience in marriage and couple’s counseling to offer expert advice to address these issues and facilitate marital harmony. His approach is practical and engaging, and his work is written with an appropriate sensitivity and understanding of the complex issues that can impact physical intimacy.”

Citing the famous passage in Bereshit: “A man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave onto his wife; and they will become one flesh,” Schonbuch also brings rabbinical sources, stressing the importance of unity, intimacy and attachment in marriage, which include closeness, respect and emotional connection.

Rabbi Schonbuch began his career, counseling parents on how to deal with teens at risk and advanced to marriage counseling. He published two books covering these topics. His first book, “At Risk—Never Beyond Reach,” deals with struggling teenagers and in his subsequent book, “First Aid for Jewish Marriages,” he discusses the importance of communication.

He found that many of the couples he was counseled suffered in silence with intimacy issues.

“I saw that I could sit with couples through many sessions and they wouldn’t share that they were having problems or dysfunction in terms of intimacy,” Schonbuch said. “Orthodox couples are uncomfortable talking about it, yet it’s the subject of much of their fighting. Sometimes underlying their problems are childhood abuse, Internet addiction or depression. Unfortunately, these couples may end up getting divorced because they never face together the real problems they are experiencing.”

It’s for this reason that he spent the past year writing his latest book, which is divided into three sections: “Emotions, Desire, and Intimacy,” “Guide to Dysfunction” and “Finding Solutions.”

His goal is for the book to help frum couples. He based his book on Attachment Theory, developed 70 years ago by psychiatrist John Bowlby that psychologist Johnson later used to form Emotionally Focused Therapy, which essentially emphasizes the emotions couples experience based on their level of attachment to their spouse.

Bowlby taught that adults need attachment and it’s our initial attachment to our parents that becomes imprinted on us, so that when we become adults we experience similar attachments to our spouse. Johnson applied Bowlby’s theories to marriage therapy, adding an emotional component.

According to Johnson, by understanding attachment we can understand what a couple’s arguing about. Usually their attachment needs are unmet.

“When you see a couple through the lens of Attachment Theory it’s an emotional GPS to interpret what they’re really fighting about and how to guide them towards greater attachment to each other,” said Shonbuch.
Forming the thesis of his book are Bowlby’s three types of attachment styles: Secure, Anxious and Avoidant. Included in the book is a questionnaire designed to measure the reader’s attachment style.

Secure styles are usually adults who saw their parents as a secure base and safe haven and felt they could turn to them in danger or fear. Mothers who are responsive to their child’s needs, providing physical and emotional closeness, warmth, and affection will usually ensure secure attachment in their child well into adulthood and they will enjoy secure relationships.

Anxious types, in contrast, are often those whose parents were preoccupied with their own worries and fears and didn’t always focus on the child’s needs. According to Bowlby, the child is unsure of the mother’s love and later adopts the same style with a spouse, doubting whether he or she is loved in the marriage.

The Avoidant type, the most extreme of the three styles, is when the mother is cold, distant or abusive and the child never felt his or her needs were met. As adults, they become shut down, withdraw from closeness and are not comfortable with intimacy.

Rabbi Schonbuch said although these styles are not set in stone, and can change through trauma or good experiences, it’s a general pathway to help couples have a corrective attachment experience with each other in therapy. Most couples, are the Avoidant/Anxious types, with one person pursuing in the relationship and the other withdrawing, which appears like a dance between them but leaves the couple detached.

He also helps singles seeking marriage with this approach in therapy. Sometimes after years of searching for the right person, Rabbi Schonbuch helps Avoidant personalities realize that they find faults in the person they’re dating as a defense mechanism, which helps them avoid getting close.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch’s approach to counseling has helped hundreds of couples improve their marriages and resolve issues in marital intimacy. You can find out more about his work and read a free preview of “Getting Closer,” at: www.JewishMarriageSupport.com. If you would like to make an appointment to talk with him call (646) 428-4723 or email rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.