How Do You Deal With Anger?

We all get angry now and then. Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life.

Anger varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes. When you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones and adrenaline.

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival. On the other hand, we can’t physically lash out at every person or thing that irritates us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold it in, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn’t allowed outward expression, it can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause high blood pressure and depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven’t learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren’t likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. Although, chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.

Some people get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person. There are also those who don’t show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Some easily angered people withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can’t take things in stride, and they’re particularly infuriated if the situation seems unjust. Research has found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communication.

If you are easily angered, it’s best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge. Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help you feel calm. There are books and courses that teach relaxation techniques, and once you learn them, you can call upon them in any situation.

You can also remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, it may actually make you feel worse. Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it’s justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is “not out to get you,” you’re just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it’ll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement and willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don’t get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren’t met, their disappointment becomes rage. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, “I would like” something is healthier than saying, “I demand” or “I must have” something. When you’re unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn’t mean the hurt goes away.

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it’s a natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn’t always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. If you’re in a heated discussion, don’t say the first thing that comes into your head—think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. It’s natural to get defensive when you’re criticized, but don’t fight back. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don’t let your anger let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Because anger can be powerful, managing it is sometimes challenging. It takes plenty of self-awareness and self-control and these skills take time to develop. Deciding to get control of your anger—rather than letting it control you—means taking a good hard look at the ways you react when you get mad. Managing anger is about developing new skills and new responses. As with any skill, it helps to practice over and over again.

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you to develop a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

Life is filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can’t change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.

If you learn to control your anger, people will notice, especially your family. No one wants to be around an angry person. Calm down and watch the way others react to the new you.